Meet the Cats

I have been repeatedly accused of hating cats.

Once again, I do not hate cats.  I just hate these cats.

Placing my feelings aside, I have decided to introduce you to the cats of Kay Nou.

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Name: Sarah

Age: I’m thinking about 11 (how long do these animals live anyway?).

Sex: Female (doesn’t really matter as there ain’t nothing going on).

Body type: Getting skinnier (a combo of purging and being a victim of food theft by the other cat).

Astrological sign:  Virgo (Fussy and a worrier; Overcritical and harsh; Perfectionist and conservative).

Turn-ons:  Standing on tables, placing her ass on your plate, jumping in your seat the second you get up, running outside and then immediately screaming to get back in,  sleeping in inappropriate locales, The Fashionista.

Turn-offs:  Other cats, dogs, children, The Major.

Admirable qualities: Uh….give me a minute…I got this one, I swear…

Detestable qualities: I just can’t think of any.  Honestly.  Sarcasm?  Me?

Other names:  Cuddles (from prior old lady owner), Sedona (unsuccessful make-over following a family trip to Arizona),  Dumpster Bait (coming soon).

Favorite foods:  Anything on the kitchen table; anything on the dining room table; anything on the counter or stove; anything that The Major is preparing to eat.

Favorite actor: Dame Judy Dench.

Favorite film: Howard’s End.

Favorite book: And Then There Were None by Agatha Christie.

Favorite TV Show: Extreme Makeover: Home Edition.

Favorite expression: “Stop undressing me with your eyes!”

This year’s Halloween costume: Mother Angelica.

Special skills: Interior decorating (preferred medium: vomit), ability to outlive all other pets; ability to survival multiple assassination attempts.

Sole reason why cat is allowed to remain at Kay Nou: The Fashionista.

&&&&&&&&&

Name: Harry

Age: Like a year.

Sex: Male (not that it matters as he has no balls).

Body type: Steadily increasing.  At this rate, he will be parade float-sized by 2014.

Astrological sign: Sagittarius (Blindly optimistic and careless; Irresponsible and superficial; Tactless and restless).

Turn-ons: Stalking, death-defying leaps, older female cats.

Turn-offs: Mental health.

Admirable qualities: Sense of adventure, acrobatic skill, ability to terrorize Sarah, Nosferatu-like stare.

Detestable qualities: LSD-like “I’m flying, man!” stunts are distracting during television viewing.

Other names: Crazy Eyes, Harry the Zombie, Pair O’ Balls.

Favorite foods: Anything in Sarah’s bowl.

Favorite actor: Javier Bardem.

Favorite film: Night of the Living Dead.

Favorite book: American Psycho by Bret Easton Ellis.

Favorite TV Show: Jersey Shore.

Favorite Expression: “Don’t tell me I can’t do that.”

This year’s Halloween costume: Freddie Krueger.

Special skills: Ability to rise from the dead.

Sole reason why cat allowed to remain at Kay Nou: The Fashionista.

— The Major

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5 responses to this post.

  1. Sooo…what happens to the cats when the Fashionista goes off to college? ; )

    Reply

  2. Counting the days til the cats are gone?

    Reply

  3. For starters we’ll have to teach Island Boy how to change a litter box.

    –RG

    Reply

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