Santa vs. Jesus

"You want a piece of me, Santa?"

Two giant Christmas icons.  Is there room in this commercially-overblown holiday for both of them?

I think not.

"Bring it."

Let’s have it out.  Two go in — only one comes out.

Let’s compare them to see who will win:

Union Affiliation

Santa:  Teamsters

"It'll be ready next Tuesday."

Jesus:  Carpenters

Advantage: Santa

Toughness

Santa:  Saint Nicholas was from Myra in Asia Minor (Turkey).  Somehow he made ended up in Lapland near the North Pole.  Ability to survive extreme heat or cold?  Fuhgeddaboutit.

Jesus:  Was from Galilee, but born in a hut in Judea.  He was known to pass through Samaria without even looking back over his shoulder.  Hung with prostitutes and thieves.  Called out the Romans and the Pharisees.  Death?  Doesn’t scare him, he’ll be back.

Advantage: Jesus

Politics

Santa:  Redistributes wealth in the form of toys.  Obviously a liberal democrat.

Jesus:  He sounds like a dem.  But, he has been co-opted by conservative  Republicans.

Result: Political Gridlock

Substance of Choice

Santa: Magic mushrooms called fly agaric.  This accounts for his vivid red suit, his ability to fly and slide down chimneys, and his joyful ho-ho-ho laugh.  For more details click here.

Jesus:  A little bit of frankincense mixed with myrrh.

Advantage: Santa

Superhero Powers

Santa: Flies with reindeer; slips corpulent body down narrow chimneys; makes toys for billions of kids.

Jesus: Walks on water; rises from the dead; heals the sick, lame and halt.

Advantage:  Jesus

Favorite TV Show

Santa: Ice Road Truckers

Jesus:  Highway to Heaven

Advantage: Santa

"Guys, spread out a little."

Entourage

Santa:  Dozens of elves

Jesus: 12 apostles

Advantage: Jesus (gets to hang with his homies)

Physical Fitness

Santa: Looks like he can’t tie his own shoes.  But able to travel the entire planet once a year delivering toys to kids.  Pretty strenuous aerobic activity.  However, apparently sits around on his jolly, red ass the rest of the year.

Jesus: One tough Jew.  He can take a whipping.  Once spent 40 days in the desert meditating without food or water.  According to the Bible, he was constantly on the go.  Carried his own cross through the streets of Jerusalem.  Those things aren’t light.

Advantage:  Jesus

Street Fighting Ability

Santa:  Don’t let his jolly, old soul fool you.  Santa’s a B.A.  He wields that heavy bag of toys as if it were filled with cotton balls.  Mess with him and you’re likely to get one upside the head.

Jesus:  Although he is prone to turning the other cheek, this dude will mess you up if he has to.  Just ask those moneychangers in the temple.

Advantage:  Santa (gotta go with the big guy on this one)

Beoches

Santa: One-woman man. We really don’t know much about Mrs. Claus, other than she keeps him warm on those long, winter nights (nudge, nudge, wink, wink)

Jesus:  To quote from the song Shaft, “He’s a complicated man.  But no one understands him but his woman.”  Mary Magdalene is her name.  She’s clearly crushing on him.  But as Yvonne Elliman (who played her in Jesus Christ, Superstar) memorably sang, “I don’t know how to love him.  What to do, how to move him.”

Advantage: Tie

Ride

Santa:  Flying sleigh.  Apparently has not been properly tricked out since the 19th century.  You would think that Santa would go with a flying snowmobile at this point.  But, no.

Jesus:  Mainly sandals.  Although he did ride into Jerusalem on an ass on Palm Sunday.

Advantage:  Santa

Rapping Skills (Don’t underestimate this category.  Think of how Muhammad Ali used his verbal abilities to his advantage in the ring and outside of it)

Santa:  Not much with the words.  However, his booming HO-HO-HO’s certainly announce his presence with authority.

Jesus:  Mad oratory skills.  From his moving Sermon on the Mount to his many, many parables, The Son of Man got his point across convincingly and eloquently.  If he had been born in the age of vinyl or video, his stuff would have gone platinum.

Advantage:  Jesus by a long shot

AND THE WINNER IS….

Jesus — I have to go with the Son of God on this one.

Sorry, Santa.

Betcha I’m getting coal this year.

— The Major

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2 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by Deborah O'Shea on December 29, 2011 at 5:39 pm

    Dearest Major ~~ As much as you, Chip & I “love the law”, you have been clearly chosen by the Divine Muse to devote ALL of your efforts to the Gifted-Word. You have been given our English language, Italian intelligence and precious Irish sprinkled with the quintessential Irish cynicism.

    We want nothing more than for you to write more — all the time, every day. Our ultimate message: don’t stop writing — we want the book!!!

    Reply

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