Two Sides of It: Holy Moly (The Major)

“Holy moly” is one of those expressions that Island Boy came up with on his own.  Every time he says it, he freaking slays me.

When your ‘homegrown’ kids come up with an expression that they have picked up somewhere outside the family, it’s really cute.  However, when you take a kid who was not speaking English until he was almost four, and then add that dark, Haitian accent to it, it’s a zinger.

Holy Moly fits this discussion somehow.  I’ll find it.

I did not come up with this subject.  I was lured into to it by Running Girl during one of our many recent “discussions.”

I have read Running Girl’s well-crafted post on why she feels so strongly about freeing Island Boy from the tyranny of holes in the knees of his jeans.  The passion and conviction she brought to the piece were worthy of Jefferson, Paine, Jay and Madison.  I’m not certain I can match her level of zeal on this issue.

I will offer as Exhibit 1, a photograph of a pair of trousers.  As a Notary Public and Officer of the Court, I hereby affirm that this photograph is a fair and accurate depiction of the condition of the jeans in question when RG removed them from active circulation.  Exhibit 1A depicts the left knee of the pants; Exhibit 1B, the right.

Exhbit 1

Exhibit 1A

Exhibit 1B

Up front, I will stipulate that I ain’t got no problem with Running Girl buying IB pants as often as she wants.  Having said that, if a college tuition bill is coming due in 18 months or so, I might revise this statement.  That aside, pants ’em up!

Now, Running Girl’s argument is largely an appeal to emotions and sentiment.  The first part: we didn’t always have money to replace Subway Dude’s ripped jeans is true.  The school nurse in question was a tone-deaf, old battle axe who had stayed on long past her prime.  Putting it as kindly as possible, she was in no position to offer sartorial advice.

The second part of RG argument is: poor little Haitian boy didn’t have clothes to wear, is only partially true.  Fact is, you couldn’t have kept clothing (or shoes) on that boy with duct tape, roofing staples and crazy glue at that stage of his life.  He still thinks that shirts are optional attire in the dead of Western New York winter.

I’m not going to attack Running Girl’s position.  I’m simply going to ask: is this an ‘all or nothing’ position on the part of RG?  Or, can it be a matter of degree?

As you will note from your review of Exhibit 1A, the hole in question is about the size of a U.S. dime.  Exhibit 1B reveals no break in the fabric of the right knee.

Based upon this evidence, are these jeans ready for the schmatte heap of history?

While I admire Running Girl’s dedication toward keeping the child labor force of Malaysia employed making jeans in the name of Old Navy, I question whether we have become so fashion-conscious that a small rip in one of the knees of a pair of pants renders them obsolete for a four-year old boy in pre-school.

I offer Exhibits 2 through 4 inclusively at this time.  I submit that these photographs were very recently obtained off the internet.

Exhibit 2

Exhibit 3

Exhibit 4

Although I do not profess expertise in fashion or the latest trends, I believe it is beyond dispute that ripped jeans are in at this moment.

While I am not advocating that Emma Roberts, Rihanna (and Lord knows — certainly not Britney Spears) are appropriate models of behavior, I make this offer of proof simply to prove my point that IB’s jeans are not, as we say at the dinner table, all done.

Once again, I cannot match the emotional appeal of an adoptive mother seeking to clothe her child both physically and spiritually with the very best.  Nor can I overcome the power of her testimonial of the humiliation she suffered at the hands of the cruel school nurse.

"As God is my witness, my child shall never have torn clothing again!"

My only point is this: can’t we wear the pants a little while longer?  I know the hole will get bigger (probably tomorrow).  We’ll donate them at that point.

Thank you.

— The Major